Loss

I’ve been feeling like I might be a disappointment to some of my sponsors because I have done very little clinical work here. The teaching and mentoring were really important, but did I really make an impact on any one particular person? 

A friend in Portland asked me why I wanted to do this mission. I told her I wanted to look into the eyes of a mother who had just lost her child and tell her that I knew how she felt. Sometimes a pebble cast into the pond can have a powerful effect in unexpected places on the opposite shore.

The person who’s probably  given me the most supervision here was the nursing school head tutor. His wife recently gave birth to a baby girl who died a few days later. A year ago, they had lost their first child after 2 weeks. He is a nurse, she is a pharmacist. Two educated Kenyan health professionals who received prenatal care and took all available precautions. And yet, for reasons they don’t yet understand, they lost 2 newborn babies. Today he returned to work from a month bereavement leave. I went to see him, and let him unload all that sadness for an hour and a half. Grieving parents need to tell their stories. I asked if there was a funeral, what they named her, if they took pictures. I offered the solace I could, in spite of feeling quite triggered myself by his experience.

Maybe I came all the way to Kenya so that I could be here for that moment; a bond no one should have to share, but one that is so very human. I’m struck by the stoic acceptance of death that Kenyan people live with. So much of the community health program evaluation that I participated in dealt with issues of maternal child mortality. The infrastructure of rural hospitals (without electricity to power incubators, running water or indoor plumbing in the labor and delivery wards) partially explains some of these losses. Inadequate staffing in terms of overwork, poor training (lack of CPR certification), distances to the nearest hospital with quality specialization are but a few of the other causes of maternal and neonatal mortality. NGOs set up well intentioned programs and volunteers with bleeding hearts come for a period of time to put their drops into the bucket of hope.

In spite of these disparities people here are resilient and appreciative of every opportunity to enjoy life, however fleeting it may seem. Or maybe because of its ephemeral nature. Everyone has been so welcoming and kind. My last week here included an inservice to the CMMB staff on trauma-informed care and motivational interviewing, and this presentation was better received than a similar one for the hospital staff. I also taught my final class to the group of nursing students that I enjoyed so much. I gave them gifts and cake and hopefully imparted a tiny bit of knowledge and planted some seeds of inspiration.







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